coping mechanisms and the new normal...

Let me start out this post by confessing

I'm weary
really really really weary

 this weary is a tiredness that sinks into the bones and sits there like a heavy rock

I have very little time and even less head (or heart) space
to do anything much beyond getting through each day...

my studio remains abandoned
my garden is a weedy patch

all my friends have been neglected

When I first became a mother (almost 12 years ago - oh myyyyyy where has that time gone?????) I thought I was reasonably prepared for the forthcoming changes that parenthood may bring: lack of sleep, financial struggles, stress in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy, the shift of priorities... Ready or not I was willing. I jumped into parenthood with eyes and heart wide open....

Despite all those things coming absolutely true (and then some!!! oooo the cranky-making views of society on motherhood - it stirs my feminist ire to GRRRRRR level --- while simultaneously I am brought to my knees by pangs of mother-guilt when I've had to leave my babies to go to work or study.... ooo the bitter dichotomy) - motherhood is the biggest, baddest, kick-arse, all-consuming best thing that I have ever done (or hope to do).

but

but

but

I must say

the last few weeks have been quite a 'challenge'

I don't know that there is any way to really prepare for when life takes a side street
 - you just have to go down that road gripping the steering wheel tightly

(and it's been a white knuckle ride at times these past few weeks let me tell you... )

damn you darstedly diabetes

 (these are a couple of applique/quilt/banner/cloth 'things' abandoned over a decade ago...
how apt they now appear to these weary eyes)

Ahhhh gads! Enough already of my whiny tone! (I'm not usually one to complain about life... the way I see it - there are always people having a far nastier time of things - I am totally aware that we live a privileged life - and if I temporarily forget - wellllllll I only need step outside and breathe deeply the good country air and pat one of the many good country hounds...)

 look at my 'mini' hounds now!
Sigma (tiggy tiggy) and Gamma - they are growing up so fast

Onwards!

When our kidlets were itty-bitty I had to shift the way I worked to accommodate their itty-bitty people needs - so instead of my (then) usual fine arts/calligraphic practice (which demanded a certain amount of uninterrupted time and attention to detail) I turned to things that could be picked up and put down without the need for cleaning up or getting icky-gunk all over my person --- Yup - I picked up yarn and cloth and thread and beads (you might remember me sharing this a while ago?) and it shouldn't come as a surprise that this is where my hands and heart are heading again. Not to Big Important Artyness.... instead I'm only interested in little utilitarian projects.... 

mending/altering a pair of overalls

thinking about knitting farmer phil a warm woolly jumper

and finishing that quilt I put away about a (gulp) decade ago

(and contemplating that little book/cloth project also put away a long time ago -
but its just too much to sink my teeth into again right now...)



Next school term I head back to a few casual days teaching each fortnight

sigh

I know I need to keep my hands moving to keep my insides still

(you know what I mean?)


.....