mid-winter
and mornings are crunchy frosty...
but the days are getting longer and warmer - spring feels a bit closer....
I'm just past the half-way mark of my year of weekly art gesture series and it seems as good a point as any to check in and chat...
My quiet, small, off-hand series has been pivotal in the development of my Higher Degree Research project even though I've not been sure how (or even IF) I would present the work in my examination exhibition. Over the past few months I have been doing some real soul-searching about my studies.... and in short --- I have decided I will exit my Higher Degree next year (or thereabouts!) with my MFA rather than continue on (and on and on) to PhD.
This decision has not been made quickly or easily.
For those of you who have followed this blog for some time, and/or have read through the elongated tale of my arty background (here again are parts
one,
two,
three, and
four - corrrr that's a LOT of chatter!) you know a lot about my arty journey and in particular
what motivated me to start a coursework Masters immediately followed by the Higher Degree....
And for those folk closest to me, who have known of my near rabid commitment to gaining a PhD, my decision to pull out early is coming as something of a surprise (just as it did to ME when the idea first started to insinuate itself in my thoughts a few months ago....)
Yes, I'm tired - this is my sixth year of continuous post-grad study -
but being tired has never stopped me from putting one foot in front of
the other until the journey is complete....
Yes, I question my abilities - nothing new here... I've ALWAYS questioned
by abilities - but that's never stopped me from pushing on
regardless....
Yes, we are very, very (VERY) poor due to my diminished capacity to earn $$$ - but poverty is nothing new to us.... and in some ways is a blessing in disguise (I'm not sorry we don't have the funds for the latest, newest gadgets - so what if our kidlets don't have a gaming console or electronic wot-nots....)
Yes, it's been tricky trying to balance study and 'life' - when I commenced my coursework Masters both our kidlets were still at home and I was working part/full time teaching in local schools (goddam I have NO idea how I managed!) - Farmer Phil's return to dairy farming last year has certainly made things MUCH trickier but I cannot deny that my desire to 'be there' right now for our young (super-duper sporty) kidlets HAS played a very big part in my decision to complete my HD next year (I cannot justify putting my selfish wants ahead of our kids needs).
Yes, I feel guilty about not having enough time for my extended family and
friend network (my mum has Parkinsons Disease, my best mate was recently
diagnosed with a rare form of dementia) - Relationships are the most
important things in life (cuddling up to a doctorate in the
middle of the night isn't going to keep you warm in winter)
Yes, I'm keen to spend more time in the garden and in the studio (doing things OTHER than my research project work), and reading things NOT related to my research project (I have a growing pile of books that I'm looking at longingly waiting for me to have the time to indulge - like
Harvesting Color, and the
Handbook of Natural Dyes....)
Family and friends have often asked me 'why a PhD?' - There's no realistic chance that I'll ever teach in a tertiary
institution (which seems to be a primary driver for many artists pursing
a PhD in this country... along with the potential to gain a scholarship and thus be funded for 3-4 years as you complete your PhD). Generally I've jokingly answered them 'so I can insist the Indian call centre folk address me as 'Doc Ronnie' (and then I insert an evil cackle hee hee hee heeeeeeeeeeee!)...... but when I'm being honest I have to admit to my own small vanities --- I wanted those initials to somehow prove my worth to the world - and to add weight to my words and opinions. I wanted that doctorate as a weapon to fight the good fight for my creek, my farm, my town, my heritage (there's no easy avoidance of a PhD!).
At its core my research project is an exploration, through making, of what knowledge is: how do we learn and how do we 'know' things; what is the value of knowledge; where does knowledge reside; is knowledge only to be found in 'book' learning; can land or inanimate objects possess knowledge...... When I use books (or book crafts) in my work, they operate as a symbol of knowledge systems - and also, of course, the work alludes to the possible future(s) of the book. A second (but not lesser) concern of my project is a critical examination how to operate an arts practice with environmental responsibility and with social and cultural integrity. As such, I've been advancing permaculture as an ethical and practical basis for my arts practice.
And here's the thing..... can you remember back in January I wrote rather a long and critical post '
on having an arty kareer' -- where at the end I set out ideals for a new art paradigm? Well I've noticed that my pursuit of the big PhD has set me in direct and continued opposition to almost everything that I believe in and what I want Art to be...
In one part of my exegesis I have penned the line: 'the means must be justifiable in the end' - and the truth is - I can no longer justify the journey to PhD where the only winner is my ego.
Sooooo I'm getting out before I find that I've compromised my ideals beyond salvation....
After I submit my MFA (next year-ish) I'll be able to get on with the BIG task: developing a new art paradigm and growing more vegetables!
viva la (arty) revolution!
...
